


The Gospel of Bobby

by horrorgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Does Not Understand, Communicating with the Dead, Confusion, Dean Does Not Understand, Fluff, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7773121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorgirl/pseuds/horrorgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is perfectly happy to just survive another day, until Bobby comes to him in a dream and tries to turn his world upside down. Now Dean is left to wonder if the choices that he has made are the right ones and if he even understands happiness at all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Gospel of Bobby

Dean didn't dream, at least he tried not to. A few drinks before bed usually kept everything black while he slept. With a life, and a death, like he'd experienced, there were things that he couldn't bring himself to remember. The facts were bad enough. The idea of his mind twisting them into a picture even uglier than they already were, was too much to bear. 

Until the night that Bobby came to him. 

Out of the sleeping recesses of his mind, the ones he thought had shut down, he heard the familiar voice, "Drinking to keep your self sane ain't healthy, son. Trust me, I know."

"Bobby?"

"Yeah, it's me. Don't worry, you aren't losing your mind, you're dreaming. I found a loophole. Things up here aren't anything like what they write about in books or show on TV. I haven't seen a single fluffy white cloud, and we both know that angels don't exactly parade around in robes with harps and shit. I don't know how well this loophole thing is going to work, but I wanted you to know that I do check in on you when I can."

"But Bobby, how is it? I mean how does it all work?"

"It's something else, Dean. I found my Karen. She's with me now."

"Bobby?"

Everything went quiet and dark. 

\-------------------------

Dean stretched before he opened his eyes and looked around. He was in the same bed, in the same room, in the same bunker they'd been living in for the past couple of years. Everything looked the same, but something felt different. He rolled out of bed with a groan and searched his dresser for something he could throw on after his morning shower. He could do this with his eyes closed. Boxers, jeans, t-shirt, and something long sleeved to go over the top. Wrapping his robe around his body he walked down the hallway, the concrete cold against his feet, and into the small bathroom. He just hoped that there would be enough hot water left for him to take an actual shower and clear his head. 

\-------------------------

"Good morning sunshine," Sam smiled sarcastically when his brother sat down at the table across from him, a cup of hot coffee in his hand.

"That one never gets old, Sammy." Dean mumbled. It wasn't like either of them had a nine to five job. When life was quiet, which wasn't often, Dean took every opportunity he could to sleep in. "So what's going on? Anything?" he asked over the rim of the coffee cup.

"Nothing really. A few random things that we could look into. Possibly a vengeful spirit a few hours away, it looks like there might be a fairly large vamp nest in Oklahoma. That's about it. Do you feel like hitting the road? Or should I pass these off?"

"Vengeful spirit and vamp nest? That's it? You might as well pass them off if you can find somebody closer." Dean knew that he had slept for almost 12 hours, but he was still tired. The shower and coffee were helping, but he was in no mood to drive all day just to deal with something as simple as a vengeful spirit or vamp nest. "If nobody else can take them, we can hit the road. I'm just in no mood to play hunting 101 right now."

"Yeah, no I agree. I know there are some traveling hunters in the area. I'll just make a few calls. Are you okay?"

Dean downed the rest of the bitter black coffee and stood up to go pour himself another mug, "I'm fine, Sammy. Why?"

"You just look tired. You aren't having the nightmares..."

"No, Sam, I'm not having the nightmares. I guess I must have tossed and turned more than I slept. Make those calls and let me know if we need to pack up." 

Sam nodded and picked up his phone. Dean looked at him and for a split second he saw Bobby, sitting at his old desk with a line of phones behind him always waiting to answer questions or dispatch hunters where they were needed. Dean had tried not to think about Bobby, it was still too painful. He heard the sound of Sam's voice, but didn't listen to the conversation as he walked back into the kitchen.

\-------------------------

No, Sam and Dean Winchester didn't have nine to five jobs, they didn't have jobs at all. They were hunters, and hunting was a way of life.

\-------------------------

Dean had fleeting memories of when, at four years old, he stood outside on a cold Kansas night holding his six month old brother in his arms and watched their house burn down. It wasn't faulty wiring, it wasn't a candle that had been sitting too close to the curtains that started the fire, it was a yellow eyed demon. They lost both their home and their mother that night. Their father survived the fire, but he never really lived again. All John Winchester wanted was revenge, he was blind to anything else, including his young sons. Dean never knew if his father didn't care or if he truly didn't know that he never let them have a childhood. Driving around the country in a 1967 Chevy Impala, staying at cheap motels, and eating greasy diner food was no way to raise children, but that was the life of a Winchester. In a world where demons exist, other nightmares exist as well. Both Sam and Dean knew from a very young age that ghosts, werewolves, vampires, and all of the other things that make up good horror movies and bad novels were real. They were never afraid of the monster under their bed, they had been taught how to kill it. John trained them to be his soldiers. Before Dean even knew how to drive a car he knew how to use salt, silver, and iron. They kept holy water with them and Sam taught himself the basics of Latin, including the exorcism ritual. They never dared question their father in his pursuit of avenging their mother's death. They simply stood along side him, killing every evil thing between them and the yellow eyed demon. They did as they were told and learned things that children should never know. As much as he hated it, Dean was just like John. He was inherently angry and carried an intensity that was almost palpable. Sam was calmer, more curious. They would never know, and they never talked about it, but it was assumed that he must take after their mother, Mary. They had no real memory of her beauty or vibrancy, just a handful of old pictures that showed her smiling. Dean couldn't look at the pictures of John and Mary together, he couldn't see the smile on his father's face or the calm in his eyes. That man wasn't the John Winchester who raised them. John never could reconcile Sam's similarities to his mother, and they clashed. Sam wanted a 'normal' life, Dean wanted to be the best at what he did. Dean watched Sam leave for college when he was 18 and knew that he would never look back, he'd put Dean and their father in his rearview mirror. Sam started a new life, a life where he knew that he would never hunt again. But when that same yellow eyed demon showed up at Stanford and killed the love of Sam's life, he had to accept that you couldn't leave it behind you, not really. A hunter would always be a hunter, the life would always come back. It had been years since John had died in a car accident, years since they had finally tracked the yellow eyed demon and sent it back to hell, but they kept hunting. Winchesters didn't just hunt, the Winchesters were the best out there. They only had one weakness, each other.

\-------------------------

Dean clearly remembered the night that Sam was murdered. He remembered feeling his brother die in his arms. He remembered placing his body on a bed and wanting to die himself every time he would look at Sam's mottled gray skin. Dean Winchester had lost everybody. He barely remembered calling out a crossroads demon and offering his soul for Sam's life. It was standard to make a ten year deal, but Dean was a Winchester. He was given one year. Sam would live, but in one year the hell hounds would come for Dean. One year later, they did. That's where Dean's story should have ended, but four months later he was raised from hell by an angel. The angel, Castiel.

The brothers knew that on paper, nothing about their lives made sense. Monsters, demons, hell, angels, it all looked like something you'd see on TV. The only thing they ever had that kept them truly grounded was Bobby. Bobby Singer had also been a hunter, he had also lost his young wife in an unnatural way, but that's where his similarities to John Winchester ended. Bobby respected John as a hunter, but never agreed with the way he raised those boys. Bobby didn't have children of his own, but it broke his heart to watch Sam and Dean be brought up the way that they were. As children, he was their uncle and the one person who expected them to act like children, not soldiers. They turned to him after John died, they relied on him and he loved them like the sons that he never had. It was more painful for the Winchester brothers to lose Bobby than it was to lose their own father. 

Bobby was a self taught expert on supernatural lore. When hunters had questions, it was Bobby who would have an answer. If he didn't, then he would work until he found one. That was Bobby's legacy that he passed down to Sam. Sam was now the expert, Sam took and made the phone calls. The legacy that Bobby tried to pass down to Dean was to undo the damage that John Winchester had left behind. Bobby just wanted Dean to trust himself, to believe that he was a better man than his father. Dean was broken, and Bobby knew it. He died not knowing if Dean would ever be fixed, if he would ever be driven by something other than the self hatred and doubt that he'd always carried. 

\-------------------------

"Sammy!" Dean called as he slid his car keys off of the table, "I'm making a beer run. Do you need anything?"

"Nah, I'm good. Thanks." 

Dean still stopped for a few seconds, gripping the steering wheel before he turned the key in the ignition. Almost every inch of that car was tied to a memory. He and Sam fighting in the backseat as children, and arguing in the front seat once they became adults. They slept in that car, they ate in that car, Dean had sex in that car. She had been their home. The 1967 Chevy Impala, Dean's baby. That car had been the only thing in Dean's life that he could always count on being there. He had done everything from a simple oil change to an almost complete rebuild just to keep her up and running. Even after they were given the keys to the bunker that they now lived in, Dean knew that his baby was still his home. He smiled as he turned the ignition, raised the volume on the radio, and threw it into drive. 

\-------------------------

"Hey Sammy! I got food!" Dean said, closing the bunker door with his foot while trying not to drop the armload of greasy white bags.

"Let me guess, just looking at it will raise my cholesterol?" 

"C'mon Sam, live a little." Dean set the bags on the table and walked into the kitchen to put the beer away, grabbing two before he let the refrigerator door shut.

"Live a little?" Sam asked, taking the beer from Dean. "If I keep eating like this I'll have a heart attack before I'm 40."

"Nah, you'll piss something off and get taken out long before then." Dean grinned, digging burgers and onion rings out of the bags. He never understood Sam's need to eat healthy. Hunters had short life spans, they usually died young and bloody. 

"Have you heard from Cas lately?"

"Sam, you are almost always with me. Unless he shows up while I'm in the shower, which is not likely to happen, you'd know if I talked to him. Why? Do we need him for something?" Dean asked, his mouth already full. Table manners were not his strong suit.

"No, nothing in particular. I mean I can always use his help with some of these texts and legends, I just haven't seen him lately."

Dean rolled his eyes, and reached for his beer. His history with Cas was complicated. They'd stopped calling him Castiel a long time ago, around the time that Dean accepted him as part of their lives. Dean hadn't been pulled from hell because of some angelic gesture of goodwill. Dean was pulled from hell because the angels had an agenda, and Dean was needed to play a role. He hated Castiel the first time he laid eyes on him. He hated Castiel when he realized that the angels were just using him as the means to an end. Castiel taught them that angels were not the soft and good natured beings that they are portrayed as. In his experience, most of them were nothing more than heavenly henchmen. Dean shortened his name to Cas the first time he saw him exercise free will and disobey his orders to help the Winchesters. They never looked back. Cas would say that he and Dean shared a profound bond because he had touched Dean's soul when he retrieved him from hell. Sam would say that Cas was in love with Dean, as in love as an angel was capable of. Dean would say that Cas was his best friend. No matter how you looked at it, Cas had become a fixture in their lives. He'd fought on their side, he'd fought against them. Dean had lied to him, he had lied to Dean. Somehow they always found their way back. Cas's choices weren't always accepted by his celestial family. Other angels didn't understand his strong attachment to a human. So, while he was respected as a warrior, he wasn't trusted. 

"I am not Cas's personal secretary, so I really couldn't tell you what his schedule looks like. It's not like we're attached at the hip. He's probably busy doing, I don't know, angel shit. Or whatever it is that he does when he isn't here. If you need him, call for him."

"Well," Sam said, tossing a wrapper into one of the paper bags, "you've said his name which means he should be here anytime."

"What is this? Fucking Bloody Mary?"

"No, you don't have to say Cas's name three times. Once usually works." Sam smiled. Dean didn't believe that Cas was in love with him, Dean didn't believe that they actually had a profound bond. But, Dean couldn't explain why Cas always seemed to show up when he called. Cas would show up even when Dean didn't call. He knew when Dean needed him, and he knew how to find Dean. Sam could never tell if Dean really didn't see it, or if he purposely put blinders up because it was easier not to know.

"Hello Dean," came the gravely voice.

Dean didn't even turn, "Damnit Cas! You have got to stop doing this shit."

"Did you need me?"

"No Cas, I did not need you. Okay stop, don't get all pouty on me and shit. Cas, seriously." Sometimes Dean really hated when Cas turned those blue eyes on him and made him feel guilty when he hadn't even done anything. "Sam was asking about you."

"Did you need something, Sam?"

Sam tried to hold in his laughter. He knew that Cas still hard a hard time understanding humor, and was easily embarrassed. "No, not really. I was just making conversation. But while you're here I have been going over this text...."

All Dean heard was a steady hum of boredom as he got up from the table to throw away the wrappers and grab himself another beer. He didn't even bother telling Sam and Cas that he would be in his room. Cas would find him eventually. He always did.

\-------------------------

This time he could see Bobby. They were sitting across from each other at the old kitchen table in Bobby's house, the house that had burned to the ground just before he was killed. Each held a tumbler of scotch in his hand. "So Karen, she's there with you?" Dean asked quietly.

"She was waiting for me when I got here. She is still just as beautiful as she was the day I married her."

"That's great, Bobby. I'm really happy for you." Dean smiled warmly at the bear of a man sitting across from him.

"I'm not here to talk about me, Dean. Like I said before, I do try to check up on you when I can. I don't always like what I see."

"And by that you mean...." Dean asked, taking a sip of the cheap liquor.

"You've always been too hard on yourself, that hasn't changed. I was hopin' when you and Sam got settled you'd start to get comfortable in your own skin. I'm not seein' that."

"Old dog, new tricks. I know who I am and I know what I am. I've let a lot of people down, and I have to live with that. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just speaking the truth. Hell, you and Sam are the only two who ever believed in me, and there have been times that I wasn't always sure about Sam. But you, you always did. You never doubted me."

"That's why I'm here, Dean. You've taken on too much, you blame yourself for too much. I know what your life has been like, and I know that you feel like you don't deserve to be happy."

Dean leaned back in his chair and chuckled, "Bobby, we both know that in this life happiness is a luxury. I'm happy when I live to see another day, eat another burger, maybe even make it all of the way through a football season. I get drunk, I'm happy. I get a blow job, I'm happy. That kind of shit doesn't last. My father wasn't happy, you weren't, Sam isn't. Why should it be any different for me?"

"Because me, your father, your brother, we were all happy once. We knew what it was like."

"And you all had it taken away by this fucked up life."

"Dean, you're not seeing the point."

"I see the point, Bobby. You still worry about me, and I appreciate that. It crushed me when I lost you, more than when I lost my father. I am as happy as I am ever going to be. If I'm okay with that, why aren't you?"

Bobby sighed and took a sip from his own glass, "I see things more clearly up here. You can't see the big picture when you're standin' in the middle of it, but when you're lookin' at it from above, you see things that you never saw before."

"Could you be a little more cryptic?"

Bobby stopped, his glass halfway to his mouth, and looked around. "I gotta go, Dean. Like I said, it's a loophole. Have Cas explain it to you." He drank the rest of his scotch in one large swallow and nodded at Dean before everything went quiet and black. 

\-------------------------

Sam didn't look up when he heard the soft fluttering, he was almost deaf to it now. He did look up when he heard Cas's voice, "You called for me, Dean?" 

"Uh, yeah, I just had a couple of questions. Can we go in the kitchen and talk?" Cas just nodded and followed. Sam watched them, wondering what was going on. Dean never called for Cas unless they needed his help on a hunt. He didn't think he'd ever seen Dean call for Cas just to talk. He shook his head and went back to work, rifling through the thick stack of books he kept on the table.

"Okay," Dean started, already pacing. "I know the in's and out's of hauntings, ghosts, vengeful spirits, that kind of shit. I need to know about souls. You know, the good ones. The ones that go upstairs to hang out with the god squad."

"What do you need to know about them?"

"Can they...can they communicate with the living? Not like ouija boards or seances, I mean in other ways." Dean spoke quickly, he was starting to wonder if this had been a mistake.

Cas sighed and sat down on a kitchen chair, "There are ways to communicate with the living, yes. Why do you ask?"

"Just curious."

"Dean, what is going on?"

"Nothing, Cas. I mean, I just, I had a dream and it seemed so real. He said to ask you about the loophole but none of it makes any sense."

"Who came to you, Dean?"

"I just need to know if it's possible."

"It is."

That's all Dean needed to hear. He didn't want to talk to Cas about his dreams, he didn't want to talk to anybody about them. "Well, now I know that I'm not going crazy. Thanks, Cas."

"You're welcome." Cas knew that it was Bobby, only he had the knowledge and experience with angels needed to get his voice through the veil and to a Winchester. 

Dean sat down across from Cas, "Do you ever see any of them?"

"They don't allow me near any of the souls that I knew as humans. They consider it a conflict of interest." Cas paused, wondering if he should continue. "She's there, Dean. Your mother. I've never seen her, they won't let me, but I know that she's there." he said quietly.

Dean felt the tears start to form, he didn't want to talk about his mother. Hell, he didn't want to be talking about Bobby or any of the friends that he'd lost. He just needed to know that he wasn't losing his mind. He stood up, patted Cas on the shoulder, and left to go to his room. 

\-------------------------

Dean had been drinking before bed to stop the nightmares for years. Now, he was going to bed sober, hoping that he'd dream just so that he could figure out what was going on. He believed Cas, he'd seen enough crazy shit in his life that he had no reason not to. He knew that he looked exhausted and that Sam thought that he was back to revisiting hell every night, but he couldn't tell Sam. He just needed to wait until Bobby came back.

\-------------------------

"It's about damn time." Dean mumbled when he finally heard Bobby's voice.

"I'm guessing that you talked to Cas."

"Yeah, and the story checks out. I'm not losing my mind, you just found your way in. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Bobby said as he poured the cheap scotch into glasses and passed one to Dean.

"Do you ever see anybody?"

"They don't exactly let us roam freely up here, but I've seen most of them. I put the feelers out on a few when I first got here, I finally found Jessica."

"Sam's...."

"Yeah, she's a beautiful girl. She doesn't know how she died, and I didn't have the heart to tell her. She went on and on about Sam, how she hopes that he was able to finish school, move on, and be happy. I didn't have the heart to tell her about that either. It's kinda odd telling lies in heaven."

"So what's the deal, Bobby? You've been gone for a few years, and now you decide it's time to come back and talk to me about the big picture?"

"It took me awhile to figure out how to do this. I've been able to see you almost the whole time."

"Oh, that's not creepy."

"Shut up, Dean. I don't mean that I sit around and watch you. I have better things to do. I check in."

"So what is this? Is this like a movie thing where you're here to pass on some type of message or teach me some important life lesson? Or do you miss cheap booze and my sparkling personality?"

"I didn't order the booze, this picture is in your head. You want better liquor? Think about it before you go to bed next time." Bobby mumbled, taking a drink. "Maybe I am here to teach you a life lesson, I don't know. I just see things, Dean. Things that are right in front of you, but you refuse to see them."

"Seriously, what is with the cryptic bullshit? You're starting to sound like one of them, like Cas. Just get to the point."

"The years that I had with Karen were the happiest I'd ever known. I always knew that she was it, she was the one. You know that I never remarried, I never even considered it. Since I've been up here and I've been with her, I've learned that we all have the one. I get to be with mine. Unfortunately, your father doesn't, but that's because of choices he made. To be honest, we won't know about Sam until it happens. He may end up here, he may not. It's the same for both of you boys. You've pissed off enough demons and enough angels that it could go either way for you."

"Is this going somewhere?"

"My god you are an impatient little bastard. I'm getting there. What I'm trying to tell you is that we all have that one. We all do, including you. I may be able to sneak around and pop into your head every once in awhile, but I can't mess with destiny. I can see what's going on, I can see what needs to happen, but I need to let you figure it out for yourself."

"Figure what out? What in the fuck are you talking about?"

"Damnit Dean, you need to just open your eyes and see what is right in front of you. You have never let yourself stay in one place long enough to learn how to give a damn about anybody. Hell, I'll bet you don't know the names of most of the women that you have bedded. I know that you've always felt like John didn't care about you boys, and you resent the hell out of him for it. You've always said that all you had was Sam and me. That we were the only ones who believe in you. Now that ain't true, and you're too god damn blind to see it. Can you honestly tell me that Sam is still your only weakness? Can you look me in the eye and tell me that Sam is the only one left who believes in you?"

Dean tilted his glass to his lips and emptied it. He had to pour himself another before he could say anything. "Cas. You're talking about Cas. You are here to give me the same bullshit that Sam does about Cas's little angel crush or whatever in the hell you guys think it is. I don't know if you guys have sat back and thought about the fact that there's a big problem with that?"

"Well, I know it ain't the fact that he's a man. Yes, unfortunately I do know about your experimental phase in your 20's."

"Okay, we seriously don't need to talk about that. I'm not ashamed, it's just awkward. I'm talking about the fact that number one, he's an angel. Number two, things could never be like that between me and Cas. Yeah, we've been through a lot of shit, but he's my friend, and probably the only real one that I've ever had."

"And that doesn't tell you anything? That he's the only real friend you've ever had? Dean, that angel has been there for you since the minute he raised your soul from hell. I know that things haven't always been perfect, but he has done almost everything you ask of him, and I have watched you put yourself in some ugly situations to save him. Now, try to tell me that don't mean anything. I've learned a few things up here and one of them is that your experimental phase is no big deal, but the big one is that when you love something you don't let go. I get to be with my Karen again, and we can only hope that Sam gets to see Jessica. What about you, Dean? It is right there in front of you, right now, but you are either too goddamn stubborn or too goddamn scared to see it."

"Stubborn, maybe, but scared?" Dean asked. "If I thought for a minute that I could be happy, then why in the hell would I be scared?"

"Because you think that you don't deserve it. You have convinced yourself that you destroy everything you touch. I will tell you this, Dean Winchester ain't average and it would take a hell of a strong person to be the one for him."

"Maybe that's true, but it just proves my point, Bobby. Cas isn't even a person."

"Exactly." Bobby said, crossing his arms over his chest. "That boy is as close to human as an angel can be. They talk about him upstairs. They don't understand him and they don't trust him, but he's still an angel. Nobody has put up with your shit the way he has, because there isn't a human out there that is patient enough to deal with how broken you are. I know that sounds bad, and maybe hurtful. That's not my intention, Dean. He's never tried to fix you because he thinks that you are just fine the way that you are. That should tell you something. Can angels fall in love? I have absolutely no idea, but he has been around humans long enough that he sure as hell acts like one most of the time. I'm just trying to show you the picture that I can see. If you wake up tomorrow still looking at him the same way than you did before you went to bed tonight, then fine. But you are possibly cheating yourself out of somethin', and it's somethin' that you deserve."

"Bobby, I can't...I mean I've never..."

"You've just never admitted it to yourself, but it's there. I can't make you see it if you don't want to. Now maybe you're pissed off at this grumpy old man, but I'm doing this because I've spent almost your entire life watching you break down."

"He's an angel, Bobby. He doesn't understand human emotions."

"I'm sorry to say this Dean, but neither do you. Not really. Not in a way that matters. I know that Sam means everything to you, I know how much you care about me, but you wouldn't know love if it showed up on your doorstep and kicked you in the face. You've never actually seen two people in love and you have absolutely no idea how it works. I'm not trying to talk you into anything, I'm just telling you what I see. You are the one who needs to decide what to do with it. Now I'm not leavin' because I want to end this conversation, I'm out of time right now. If you want me to come back, I'll know it. Just think about what I've said, Dean and take care of yourself."

Everything went quiet and black.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up and knew that he had talked to Bobby, he remembered every word. He just didn't know what to do with it. He knew that if he laid there and thought about it too much, Cas would sense that something was wrong and he would show up. He didn't want to see Cas, not yet. He rolled out of bed and headed for the shower, hoping that Sam had left him some coffee. He knew that it was going to be a long day of pointed looks from Sam. He didn't know which would be worse, Sam thinking that the nightmares about hell had come back, or Sam knowing the truth. Either way, he was going to have to find something to distract him.

\-------------------------

He thought about working on the car. Fill a cooler with beer, and turn the radio up too loud, but he'd just done and oil change and tune up. He tried to sit down and watch football on the live stream that Sam had hooked up, but it was windy outside an the reception was spotty, at best. He considered a movie, but he know that he wouldn't be able to focus. All he could do is drive. Crank the music up and drive. He wouldn't have to think about anything other than the classic rock lyrics and trying to follow the traffic laws on the back roads. Sam knew that when Dean got restless, he needed space and so he didn't even look at his brother when he heard him mumble something about going out before he heard the keys slide off of the table and the bunker door close. He didn't know what was going on with Dean, but when the engine started, he knew that he just needed some time alone with his baby. 

Dean didn't know where he was going. They'd lived in the bunker long enough that he knew every back road in at least a 50 mile radius. The music was loud, his voice was louder, and the gas tank was full as he pulled on to the highway. All he could think about was what Bobby said, but he'd expected that. He knew that he had two choices, he either ignored everything that Bobby had said, or he opened his eyes. He didn't know what he'd see if he opened his eyes. Cas was complicated, things between him and Cas were complicated. They always had been. He trusted Cas, Cas mattered to him, he didn't know if he could picture a life without him in it. He'd never tried. He'd always known that no matter what happened between them, they would find their way back to each other. They couldn't stay away, not for very long. Dean had never questioned that. Bobby had been right, Dean had laid down his life for Cas on more than one occasion, but he'd never questioned that either. Not until now. Being with Cas didn't make him feel all warm and fuzzy, hell, half of the time he was just annoyed. He had been driving for hours, and was no closer to a solution when he finally pulled into a diner to get something to eat. The waitress was beautiful and flirtatious and the food had just the right amount grease, but Dean was too lost in his own head to turn on the Winchester charm. He saw her phone number with the typical 'call me' written on the bottom of his bill, but he didn't bother to pocket it. His dark hair, green eyes, good build, and arrogance had inspired more than one waitress to hope for a phone call. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. Right now he had other things he needed to figure out. He got back into the car and saw the sun starting to set. He spent the drive home reminding himself of all of the times that Cas had lied to him, betrayed him, hurt him. Those were things that he needed to remember. He also needed to remember that he wasn't exactly innocent. By the time he got back to the bunker it was late, and Sam had already gone to bed. He was pouring himself a drink, remembering to think about better scotch before he went to bed from now on, when he heard the fluttering. He didn't know if he wanted to see Cas, but he knew that he had to eventually. He might as well get it over with. 

"What are you doing here?" He said softly.

"I'm not sure. I felt like you needed me, and after our conversation in the kitchen I thought it might be important that I come. I am sorry if I hurt you by talking about..."

"No, Cas, you didn't. I needed to know that she is up there. I wish that you could see her, talk to her, tell me what she's like."

"So do I, Dean." Cas looked at the floor, he felt like he had somehow disappointed Dean.

"Cas? Don't do that shit. You haven't done anything wrong. I needed to know. I mean, I know where my old man is. When I was downstairs, they never hesitated to tell me that his last great human act was to trade his soul for my life after the car accident. I'd like to think that it was, maybe I'd resent him a little less. I remember rebuilding that car after the accident. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do, for a lot of different reason. I'm rambling and probably not making any sense."

"You're fine, Dean. We can talk about whatever you want. Or I can just listen."

Dean took a sip of his drink and finally looked at Cas, "You really would stand here all night and listen to me ramble, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would." Cas said softly, he still hadn't raised his eyes.

"Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Cas, look at me and tell me why. Please. I need to know. And I don't want to hear the words 'profound bond'. That happened years ago and a lot of shit has happened since. So tell me why? Why are you willing to stand here and listen to me?"

Cas lifted his head and locked his eyes with Dean's. "Because sometimes I'm happiest when I can just listen to you. I know that you tell me things that you feel you can't tell Sam."

"So, happiness. You feel happiness? I thought that angels didn't feel things. Can I ask you something?" Dean asked, taking another sip of his drink.

"You know that you can ask me anything."

"If you can feel happiness, chances are you can feel sadness. I've seen you angry. I've seen you get embarrassed. How human are you, Cas?' 

"I don't know. I'm an angel, we both know that, but I don't fit in up there anymore. I'm not a human, so I don't fit in down here very well." 

Dean just nodded. Before he could talk himself out of it, he set his drink on the table and walked to Cas. He placed a hand on either side of his face, and pressed their lips together softly. He needed to know. When he felt Cas wrap his hands around his arms and lean into the kiss, he could feel how human Cas was. He parted his lips and felt Cas deepen the kiss, letting go of his arms to slide his hands around his back. Dean could feel his body start to react and knew that he had to pull away. With his hands still cradling Cas's face, he looked into those blue eyes. "I had to know," he whispered before he kissed Cas softly on the forehead and let go of him. He turned to walk back to where he'd abandoned his drink on the table and finished it off in a couple of swallows. "Thank you for telling me that she's there. I've always known that's where she deserved to be." He didn't turn around to face Cas. "I need to get some sleep, or at least lay in a dark room and try. Goodnight, Cas." He barely heard Cas tell him goodnight before he heard the soft rustling that let him know that he was alone. He knew that he'd been able to answer some questions, he also knew that there would probably be more. He shut off lights as he walked down the hallway to his room and left his jeans in a pile on the floor before crawling into his bed. He didn't want to talk to Bobby, he just wanted to sleep.

\-------------------------

No, Bobby didn't come to him. No, he didn't lay there confused about his sexuality or what had just happened between him and Cas. He didn't have a great epiphany about where is life was going. He just thought about the facts. Nothing had felt wrong when he kissed Cas, he had definitely kissed a human, and his body had reacted to it. Bobby had been right about the fact that he didn't always understand human emotions. He really didn't have any idea of what love meant, and he'd never associated it with sex. The two were always mutually exclusive. In all reality, he'd never really thought about love. It all seemed too messy. Jealousy, arguments, tears, things that he tried to avoid. Even if he did have a 'one', even if Cas was it, he didn't know that he wanted it. You can't miss what you've never had. He had watched the pain of losing Jess turn Sam into something that he never wanted to be. He had been raised as a hunter because of his father's all encompassing heartbreak after Mary died. Why would he want that? It was a heavy risk, and although Dean was a betting man, he didn't know that it was a risk he was willing to take. He also knew that regardless of what Sam may think, Cas wasn't sitting back waiting for Dean to return his feelings. If Cas did have feelings, he didn't understand them and would probably need this whole situation explained to him anyway. The old adage, if it ain't broke then don't fix it. But that just brought him back to what Bobby had said. Cas doesn't try to fix him because he thinks that he is fine the way that he is. He finally rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't toss and turn, he didn't dream or have nightmares. For the first time in a long time Dean just slept.

\-------------------------

Sam and Dean were both getting restless. They hadn't worked a case in over a month so Sam sat down to see if he could find something, anything. They were willing to go 'hunting 101' if they had to. It had been a few days since Dean had seen Cas, but nothing about it felt awkward. He wasn't waiting around for Cas to show up, he wasn't calling for him. He kissed Cas, and even though he still didn't know what it meant, he didn't feel like anything had changed. It was fairly late in the day when Sam caught wind of a possible wendingo. It was at least a full day's drive away so they figured they'd pack up and leave in the morning. 

\-------------------------

"Well, I know that things have changed for you, and I appreciate your choice in liquor." 

Dean turned and saw Bobby already sitting at the table, pouring the amber liquid into two glasses. "I thought about going high end, but I figured that after all of the rot gut we've been drinking for all of these years, high end wouldn't make sense. I figured mid grade would work. And no, nothing has changed. I thought about the things you said, and you were right about some of them, but not all. I'm guessing that you know that I tested the waters, I laid on one him the other night"

"I thought that you might've, but I didn't know for sure until right now." Bobby grinned.

Dean just sighed "I figured what the hell. Cas might be a little confused as to why I grabbed his face, but it isn't going to bother him. He isn't sitting somewhere wondering what it meant."

"So why'd ya do it?"

"I don't know, Bobby. We were talking and I asked him how human he is. He seems lost somewhere in between down here and up there. I wasn't trying to recruit on the part of humanity. We both know that he's lost his grace before and had to live as a human, it never ends well for him. We know how the god squad feels about him, so he's not exactly comfortable up there. You're going to make way to much of this, but he told me that sometimes he is the happiest just listening to me."

"I'm not gonna make too much of that. Cas said it, I didn't. But if it's true, and I think that we both know that it is, that says a lot. Now let me get nosy for a minute. You kissed Cas, do you regret it? Did you walk away feelin' like you'd some something wrong?"

Dean took a long sip of his drink, "Not at all. He felt like a human, he was a human when I did it. He kissed me back, and wasn't bothered when I just walked away. But I'm going to go back to what you've already said about everybody having their one. I'm not saying that I believe you, and I'm certainly not saying that it's him, but why would I want it? Why would I want to change things? He's my best friend, he's always there when I need him. Hell, he's there when I don't need him and it annoys the hell out of me sometimes. If I want to get laid, I don't need a somebody special in order to do that, I need a bar or diner with a hot waitress and a box of condoms. What exactly is the reasoning behind changing any of that?"

"It's about waking up with somebody next to you, bein' able to reach for them in the dark. Letting your guard down, which we both know you have a real hard time with."

"Okay, first of all I have spent most of my life either sharing a bed with my pain in the ass little brother, or sleeping in one four feet away from him. I'm not exactly in a rush to share my space. And then we come back to Cas being an angel. He doesn't eat and he doesn't sleep. That kind of disqualifies him as a warm body. I have let my guard down with Cas. He said that the other night, that he knows I feel like I can tell him things that I can't tell Sam. He's seen me at my worst and is still there. Now, I appreciate your big picture, I really do. But I'm not like you, or Sam, or even my father. I don't need it. I don't need someone to come home to at the end of a long day. Maybe I'm not what most people would consider happy, but I'm as happy as a hunter can be. If the only reason you are coming here is to try to convince me that the love of my life is right in front of me, you're wasting your time. I'm not telling you not to come back, I miss you man. These last few years without you have been hell. I was only a few feet away from you when you were shot and I was standing right there at the hospital when you died. Sam and I, we've done the best that we can, but it's not the same and it never will be. Sam has stepped up, he's learning the lore and gone all geeky with some computer database. He takes and makes the calls. He never would have had that without you. He found his place in this life, and I don't know if you hear it, but I thank you every day for giving him that."

They sat in silence, Bobby trying to hold back his emotions. "What about you Dean, what did I leave for you?"

"You showed me that I was too reckless, that I went about things the wrong way. I need to hunt smart and not angry. It has made me the hunter that I am today."

"That's not what I wanted for you, Dean. The fact that I favor you was not exactly a secret. I wanted to leave this world seeing you happy. I wanted to see you finally believe that you are twice the man that your father ever was. I knew I couldn't fix you, but I wanted to know that you would try. I haven't seen that. Now I ain't criticizing you, son. You've done the best you can with what you have, I see that. I just wanted you to have more."

"I know, Bobby." Dean said quietly. "I'm the man that I was destined to be. I have accepted that, and I live with that. I'm fine with it. I know that I'm going to leave this world bloody and you probably won't see me after that. I know that they haven't started a Dean Winchester fan club upstairs, and downstairs is just waiting to see me again. Come back into this fucked up head of mine any time that you want and talk to me. Tell me how Karen is doing. Tell me about the others, I want to know that everyone is okay, I want to know that they've all make it through the veil and upstairs. But don't talk to me about what I need in my life to make me happy. I'm sorry if your big picture isn't what you want it to be, but it's as close as it's going to get. I know that I have Cas and I know that he'll probably never leave me, just like I'll never leave him. That's it. There is no blissful happiness in there, but there doesn't need to be. Keep an eye on us, Sam too. If you see Jess again, lie your ass off and tell her that he's the best damn lawyer in the state of California but he never got married. If he makes it upstairs somehow, I want her to be there waiting for him."

Bobby just shook his head and stood up, he knew that there was nothing else to say. "I know you're leaving in the morning. You be careful, those wendingo's are some nasty sons a bitches. I'll be back, and I'll respect your wishes. Take care of yourself and that pain in the ass little brother."

Everything went quiet and black.

\------------------------- 

The main thing that Dean hated about wendingo hunts was the clean up. Trudging through mud and climbing in caves to find the damn thing, and then trudging back through the same mud after you'd torched it. It had been messy, but otherwise cut and dry. Dean was feeling pretty good, pretty pumped. They hadn't hunted a wendingo in years. He was able to sneak into the shower first when he heard Sam's phone ring and he went outside to take the call. He knew he had to be quick. These cheap motel showers never had much in the way of a hot water heater, and he figured he owed it to Sam to leave him a little hot water. He was digging through his bag with a towel wrapped around his waist when Sam came back into the room. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Sam sighed. "That was Cal, remember from the djinn case up in Oregon last year? Anyway, he's going after a werewolf, and he's gone solo. He swears that it's some type of hybrid that he's never seen. I think he's just realized that he made a mistake by hunting alone and is looking for some back up. He was asking if I knew of anyone in the area who could help him."

"Let me guess, we're the ones in the area?"

"We are the closest. I told him to sit tight at his motel and I'd look at my database, see if there is a chance that there's a hybrid." Sam said, opening his computer.

"Dude, at least shower first. You're fucking filthy."

Sam looked down at his mud cloaked clothes and shoes and nodded before he shut his computer. This was one of the downsides to being the expert, sometimes the calls were just from hunters that had somehow gotten in too deep and needed help. Going solo was always a bad idea, very few hunters could pull that off, except for Sam and Dean Winchester.

Dean was cracking open a beer when Sam finally sat back down at the table to open his computer. He couldn't find much on any type of hybrid, but it was always possible. New things were cropping up all of the time. "So, is this hybrid thing legit? Or is this a case of a hunter making a stupid mistake and needing backup?" Dean asked from where he was laying on the bed.

"Probably a stupid mistake. I mean, we see new shit all of the time, but I doubt this is one of them."

Dean got up off the bed and started getting dressed, "Well, we can't tell him no and leave him stranded. He won't need both of us so just give me the name of the motel and let him know I'm coming. You don't mind being stuck here do you for a day or two?

Sams initial reaction was to get packed up and go with Dean, but sometimes three is a crowd and even though he was a strong hunter, they always seemed to feel better when it was Dean who showed up. "Okay, here's the name and location of the motel," Sam said, writing on the back of a receipt and handing it to Dean. "I'll call him and let him know that you're on your way. Call me when you get there. If it is something new I want to come check it out."

"Yeah, no problem." Dean mumbled, grabbing his bag. He'd just spent all day crawling around in the mud and now he had to go help some young dumb hunter who had decided to play hero. After knocking the dried mud off of his boots and tying them up on the outside walkway, he got in the car and turned towards the highway. 

\-------------------------

"Werewolf eh?" Dean asked when the motel room door opened. Dean stepped into the room and sat down in a chair. He hadn't really remembered Cal until he saw him. He was really nothing more than a kid and Dean easily had 60lbs on him. He knew not to judge a book by it's cover, he had been out with hunters of all shapes and sizes and been surprised more than once, but it was obvious that this kid was just in over his head. "Is it a loner or did you see more than one?"

"Just one" the kid stuttered. Hunting with Dean Winchester was a big deal. He'd heard all of the stories, not legends, actual stories. The Winchesters had seen things and hunted things that most people had never even imagined. He'd worked with them once before, but it was a group job. This was side by side.

"Okay, Cal. Cal, right?" Cal just nodded and Dean continued. "First things first, don't hunt alone. Especially if it's a dark hunt. My brother is good at finding backup, but he can't pull off miracles. You may have either gotten yourself killed or had to walk away from this one. Either way, bad idea. We just got done with a wendingo and I'm tired, but I know we have to take care of this tonight so I'm going to go check into a room and I'll be back. We'll grab something to eat and you can show me where you tracked it. We'll take my car and we'll use my weapons." Cal just nodded again as Dean stood up and walked out.

\-------------------------

"I wouldn't bother looking into any type of new hybrid out there, it's a scared kid gone solo with a side order of obvious Winchester worship." Dean had just opened the door to his room and dropped his bag on the bed. "We should be able to take it out tonight, I'll get a little sleep and head back in the morning. I'll call you when I get back to the motel after the hunt." He hung up the phone and dug around in his bag looking for some warmer clothes. He'd packed enough for one hunt, and those clothes were in a plastic bag covered in mud. He did the best he could with what he had and went back to pick up the kid. They went over the rules of a solid werewolf hunt over dinner. Cal gave him directions to where he'd last tracked it and they got out of the car, Dean handed him a gun, signaled him to be quiet and started walking. The kid was clumsy, bumping into Dean, not following hand signals. He seemed more interested in watching Dean hunt than in actually finding the monster. Dean finally tracked it to an old shed and took it out with one shot. It was definitely a hunting 101 case. He didn't say a word until they got back to the car and started driving.

"Okay, that thing looked nothing like a hybrid. I doubt that it was even full grown. I told you before, don't fucking hunt solo. Sam is not always going to be there to send somebody to bail you out. I could have left you behind and taken this one by myself but I thought you could use a lesson. You need to be quiet, you need to be careful, and you need to learn to use fucking hand signals when you are working with a partner. I've been doing this my entire life, and I'm guessing you've heard the stories?" He looked over and again, Cal just nodded. "It took me going through a whole lot of shit to be the hunter that I am today, I had to learn the hard way that you should always have back up. Now if you don't have someone to hunt with, I'll have Sam find someone, but no more calling in bullshit hybrid stories. That sets Sam behind on his research and it puts all of us in danger." He pulled up in front of Cal's motel room, "I'll call Sam and let him know that you need a partner. He'll probably get a hold of you in the next few days. There are some things you need to work on, but you have a lot of potential." Dean reached his hand out. After the handshake, Dean drove back to his own room, annoyed and exhausted. The hunter rockstar treatment did boost his ego, at times, but tonight wasn't one of those times. He couldn't be doing this shit just because some kid wanted to say he'd been out on a case with a Winchester. He got back to his room, called Sam, and for the second time that day took a hot shower, this time not caring if he ran out of hot water.

\-------------------------

His hair was still wet from the shower, beads of water slowly rolling down his back as he was packing up his dirty clothes. He was considering just leaving now and driving the few hours back to where Sam was. 

"Hello Dean." 

He turned around and saw Cas standing by the door. "Cas? What are you doing here?"

"I could tell that you are upset and angry..."

"I'm not angry Cas, just annoyed. Had to play hero tonight after Sam and I already pulled off a regular hunt. I must be getting old and losing my edge."

"You're not losing your edge, you're just not the same hunter that you used to be. You're better."

"Yeah, maybe" Dean said quietly, running his hand through his wet hair, "But you can't ever forget where you came from. The minute I get lazy on a small hunt is the minute I become a dangerous hunter." He looked over at Cas, and saw his blue eyes sparkling, almost happy. So often he saw embarrassment, defeat, or apologies in those eyes, he didn't always recognize the happiness. This is what Cas had been talking about. Dean rambling, Dean being honest. He crossed the room to where Cas was standing and stopped, their bodies just inches apart. He wanted to see if Cas would take a step back, move away from him, but he didn't. Dean reached for him, pushed his ever present trenchcoat off of his shoulders, and pressed their lips together as it fell to the floor. His hand wrapped around the back of Cas's head, the other sliding up between his shoulder blades, holding their bodies close. Cas parted his lips and their tongues desperately sought each other out. They stumbled backwards until Dean had Cas trapped against the wall, Cas's hands roamed his back, reaching for the bottom of his t-shirt and breaking the kiss long enough to pull it over Dean's head. Dean was breathing heavy when he looked into those eyes again. This wasn't happiness, this was need. He kissed Cas hard, and slid his full lips along his jaw, wrestling with his tie. He felt Cas moan softly before he reached up to loosen it and pushed Dean's hand against his chest, encouraging him to start working on his shirt buttons. Dean's face was buried in Cas's neck when he felt his tie slip off and the last button open. He pressed closer until they were chest to chest, his hands against the wall on either side of Cas's face. He could feel himself grow hard as he nipped and sucked at the sensitive skin, pulling blood to the surface. Cas's hands seemed to be everywhere, sliding across his bare back, up his shoulders, along his arms. Dean groaned when he felt Cas rock against him. He tilted his head back and Cas caught him in a frenzied kiss, sliding his hand between them, down the length of Dean's stomach, and stopping to gently squeeze his hard cock through his pants. Cas started rubbing slowly, his other hand massaging the back of Dean's neck, his mouth hungry. "Oh god, Cas..." Dean moaned when he felt Cas's other hand finally slide in between them and pop the button on his jeans, slowly sliding the zipper down, and with both hands pushed his pants and boxers down far enough to free his cock. Cas teased the silky skin of Dean's shaft with his fingers before he wrapped his hand around it and started to slowly stroke. Dean moaned against Cas's mouth, gasping when he felt Cas's soft palm slide around the head before moving back down to stroke faster. Dean was gently thrusting against Cas's hand and could feel the build, and the throbbing. "Cas...I'm going to..." he whispered with his face buried in Cas's neck. He felt Cas wrap an arm around him to pull their bodies together as he came, the warm sticky fluid spreading between their bare stomachs, Cas still gently squeezing him. Dean was using his hands against the wall to hold himself up, trailing bites and kisses long Cas's shoulder. When he felt his heart slow to a regular pace he stood upright, Cas had moved and had both arms wrapped around Dean's waist. He just looked at him, his blue eyes blazing. Dean didn't know what to say, but he didn't feel like he had to say anything. He pressed his body against Cas and leaned in for a long lingering kiss before he gently pulled out of his embrace to clean up. He brought a wet washcloth from the bathroom, and cleaned Cas's stomach. He dropped back on the bed and threw his arm across his eyes. 

"Damn," he said quietly. "That was NOT was I expected." He felt mattress dip when Cas sat on the bed next to him.

"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?" 

"It's a good thing, Cas. A very very good thing." He then realized that Cas had been hard the whole time, and was probably frustrated. He pulled his arm away from his eyes just enough to look over at Cas. "What about you? Do you need...."

"Oh no, I'm fine. I'm used to this vessel. Usually if I wait long enough it just goes away."

Dean lifted himself up and rested on one arm, facing him. "Cas, listen, I've known you for a long time. You need to stop calling it a vessel. That's your body. It's a human body and there may be an angel inside of there somewhere, but everything that I just felt was flesh and bone and muscle, just like my own. Your body obviously had reactions, and needs like anyone else's. I will take care of you, I'm not that selfish." Cas's shirt was still open and Dean could see the subtle ridges of muscles on his stomach and chest. He really had no idea how Cas was built until now.

"It's okay, Dean." Cas said, laying down. "It's already gone away. You don't need to do anything."

"How about I owe you one?" Dean asked, winking. He was still trying to recover from what was probably the best handjob he'd ever had. 

Cas turned his head and smiled, "You can owe me one."

Dean leaned forward and gently placed his lips to Cas's, he wanted to feel Cas kiss him back. He wanted to know that this wasn't about Cas doing everything Dean asked of him. When he felt the pressure of Cas's hand pulling his head closer to deepen the kiss, he knew. Cas wanted him just as badly as he wanted Cas. "Remember," Dean whispered. "No more vessel, that body is all human, and from what I can tell, it is an amazing body." He smiled and kissed Cas again before laying back down. Just like after their first kiss, nothing felt strange or awkward. He didn't feel like there was a need to talk or pull Cas into his arms to hold him. They just laid there, side by side, until Dean fell asleep. Cas sat up and watched Dean for just a moment. It always made him feel something, something that he couldn't explain, when he saw Dean's face peaceful. He buttoned his shirt up, bent down and kissed Dean on the forehead before he put on the rest of his clothes and left.

\-------------------------

Dean woke up a little disappointed that Cas wan't there. If his hands could do the things that they did last night, he could only imagine what the rest of his body could do. He laid there and imagined it long enough that he needed to to take a shower and get rid of some tension. He packed up and jumped in the car, happier than he had been in a long time.

\-------------------------

"So, the hunt with the kid? What was that all about?" Sam asked Dean over lunch. They were headed back to the bunker and Dean was still tired.

"He was trying to play with the big dogs and he wanted a Winchester hunt under his belt. I felt so cheap afterwards." Dean grinned.

"Wow, you are in a seriously good mood today." 

"So I like killing things, what can I say? A wendingo and a werewolf in 12 hours? I had to take a skinny snot nosed brat with me on on one of them, but the werewolf hunt wasn't bad." Dean laughed.

"Skinny snot nosed brat? I'm three inches taller than you."

"You're still skinny, and kind of a pain in the ass."

Sam laughed, even if Dean was the better hunter, Sam was every bit a strong and built as he was. Dean just had better instinct. "If a wendingo and a werewolf put you in this good of a mood, I'm going to start sending you out to hunt more often."

"We probably should hunt more often. I was on my game, but that kid reminded me how easy it is to make one little fuck up that can get you killed. I told him we'd try and find him a partner so if you know of anyone who has experience and patience, most definitely patience, see what you can do. He has potential."

"And a Winchester hunt," Sam laughed. He knew what their reputation was, especially Dean's. 

"Alright, let's get back on the road and not hunt. Ready?" Dean was already half way to the cash register before Sam was out of the booth. 

They listened to the music too loud and got home late. Sam surprised Dean by setting his computer on the table and going straight to his room. Usually he would be up for all hours going through the thousands of books they had in their library. Maybe they were getting old. Dean poured himself a drink and sat down with his feet on the table, something that Sam would usually bitch at him for.

\-------------------------

He actually heard the rustling and was expecting it when he heard the soft, "Hello Dean."

"Hey Cas," he said, without turning around. "Pull up a chair."

"You know," Cas said as he sat down across from Dean, "Sam wouldn't approve of your shoes on the table."

Dean just chuckled, "What can I say? I like to live dangerously." 

Cas didn't understand humor very well, but the fact that Dean looked so happy made him smile. 

"So what are you doing here? Don't get me wrong, I like having you here, but you usually only show up when I'm all fucked up in one way or another. You don't typically drop by just to say hello."

"I don't know," Cas said, looking at Dean. "I guess I just felt like dropping by to say hello."

"Good. I've been stuck in the car with Sam all day."

"Dean, you've been stuck in the car with Sam for most of your life." Cas rolled his eyes.

"Did you just make a joke? I am impressed." Dean could see Cas's eyes changing, "Cas, don't do the embarrassed thing. I'm not making fun of you, I'm serious. That was actually pretty funny."

Cas smiled and looked down at the table. Usually Dean laughed at his expense, he didn't mean to be hurtful, that's just how Dean was. 

"What, Cas?"

"It's just, you know how people say that they are laughing with you and not at you?"

"Yeah"

"Even though you don't say it, normally you are laughing at me."

Dean felt like he'd been hit, "Am I really that big of a dick? Seriously, Cas? I mean, I know that I'm an asshole, I always have been, but have I really made you feel that way for all of these years?"

"Most of the time, yes. I don't want you to feel bad about it, I know how you are. It was just nice to have a moment when I knew you were laughing with me."

Dean pulled his feet off of the table and turned his chair around, "Cas, come here," he said quietly. Cas just gave him a confused look. "Please Cas, just come over here." Cas got up from his chair and walked to where Dean was still sitting. Dean gently reached for Cas and pulled him until he was standing between Dean's legs. Dean rested his head against Cas's stomach. "I'm sorry that I made you feel that way," he whispered as he started unbuttoning his shirt from the bottom, pressing his lips against Cas's body. He felt Cas shiver and he stood up, sliding his body against Cas's. "If we're going to do this, and I hope like hell that we are going to do this, we can't do it here. It has nothing to do with you, but we are not alone in this bunker and there are questions that I don't want to answer." He laced his fingers through Cas's and led him down the hallway.

\-------------------------

The door had barely closed behind them when they were reaching for each other's clothes, sharing distracted kisses, running their hands over each others bodies. Dean had his hands on Cas's belt, ready to pull it open when he stopped. "No, I want you to watch this." He whispered, turning on the lamp before he dropped to his knees in front of Cas. He pulled the belt free, opened the button, and slid the zipper down. Once he had Cas's pants and boxers on the floor at his feet, he looked up with his intense green eyes to make sure that Cas was watching him. Their eyes locked and Dean started to gently stroke Cas with his fingertips. He gasped and Dean knew that no matter what had happened before him, nobody had ever touched Cas in the way that he was going to touch Cas. He used his fingers, his palms, both hands to squeeze, rub, and gently stroke while he kissed and nipped at the soft skin along Cas's hips and his lower stomach. "Remember, I want you to watch," he whispered. He dropped kissing along the shaft of Cas's cock before he ran his tongue up the length of it and across the head, tasting the pre come. One hand wrapped around the base while he used the other to trail his fingers across Cas's stomach and along his hips. He ran his tongue up his shaft again and swirled his tongue around the ridge before taking the head in his mouth, gently sucking and letting his tongue explore. Cas moaned and arched his body, but Dean reached to hold him against the door. He pulled his mouth away and started gently stroking with his hand, again turning his green eyes up at Cas. "Cas?" he whispered and waited until Cas met his gaze before he wrapped his lips around his cock and slid his head forward, taking as much as he could into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the shaft. Cas moaned and started gently rocking, running his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean slid his mouth back and forth, letting Cas set the rhythm, moving his tongue and sucking while Cas watched. Dean wanted Cas to come, he wanted to taste him. He moaned, knowing that Cas would feel it all of the way up through his stomach. Cas started throbbing and calling his name as Dean took his cock as far down his throat as he could and swallowed the sticky fluid. He gently licked and sucked, touching Cas until he was limp and too sensitive to take any more. When he looked up, Cas was staring down at him. "Did you watch the whole thing?" Cas just nodded, breathing heavy. Dean grabbed Cas's boxers and pants and stood up, pulling them with him. He buttoned and zipped them before he wrapped his arms around Cas. "You okay?" he whispered, placing gentle kisses along Cas's cheek. He could feel Cas's body shaking, and he felt Cas nod. He knew that right now he couldn't talk so he just stood there holding Cas until the tremors stopped. They came together for a long kiss before Dean finally let go. He threw his boxers back on and laid down on his bed, signaling for Cas to come lay with him.

"When you said that you owed me one, that's not exactly what I expected." Cas said, still breathing heavily.

"Good thing or bad thing?" Dean smiled.

"Do I really have to answer that?"

"No," Dean said, rolling onto his side and propping himself up on one elbow. He let his other hand slide across the taut skin of Cas's chest and stomach. "I've known you for all of these years, but this is the first time I've seen you."

"What do you mean?" Cas was losing himself in the feeling of Dean's fingers, the scent of his skin, the gentleness in his voice.

"You've called it a vessel, but now I see a body. Your body is incredible, Cas. You're...I don't know...you're sexy and you feel good, you taste good. It's been hidden, I never knew."

"Maybe that's a good thing," Cas whispered. "I've always known that you don't really care about gender. But I've always been an angel, you've never really seen anything human about me so none of this, the physical things, were ever a consideration. You needed a friend, and I needed to be that friend. Dean Winchester doesn't have sex with friends and he doesn't become friends with the people he has sex with. I know that. I never expected that any of this would happen, I guess I would have been afraid of what it would do to our bond. I don't mean our profound bond that you don't believe in, I mean our friendship."

"Are you still afraid of that?"

"No. That's actually why I came here tonight. I wanted to know if what happened last night somehow changed things. I wanted to know that you still trust me and that you would still talk to me."

Dean sat up and looked down at Cas, laying on his bed. "Cas, it hasn't changed anything. Well, that's not entirely true, but not my trust in you or how I talk to you. This is just physical, you know? We've fooled around a couple of times, and it's been great, but things between us won't change because of it." He bent down and kissed Cas's forehead. "Actually, that's not true either. you finally told me tonight that you've always felt like I've been laughing at you, not with you and it made me feel like shit. Now before you go apologizing for making me feel like shit, it's my fault. I made you feel that way and I'm taking responsibility for it. I don't ever want you to be hurt by the things that I say or do. I'm an asshole, you need to call me out, Cas. You need to just tell me."

"But you'll get angry, Dean."

"No I won't. Not now. Not anymore." Dean didn't realize the gravity of what he'd just said. "Can I ask you something, Cas?"

"Dean, you know that you can ask me anything."

"So we've established that you are in fact an angel living in this...well this body that I can't seem to keep my hands off of. I asked you that night how human you are, and you didn't have an answer. I guess what I want to know is what feelings do you have? I mean obviously you can feel hurt, and I am so sorry for any time I have hurt you. You get embarrassed. There's happiness and sadness. I've seen you pretty pissed off. Tonight I saw you the total opposite of pissed off." Dean grinned, "But what else? I mean, like lonely, jealous, bored, insecure..."

"I don't get bored. I see humans who are bored all of the time and I don't understand it. There are so many things to see or hear or do, you just need to open your eyes to it. I do get lonely. I know that it annoys you sometimes when I'm here, but this is where I can come so that I don't feel alone. Even if you don't talk to me, just the fact that you and Sam know that I'm here makes me feel better. I don't think that I can feel jealous. When humanity was created we were taught to love them and not feel jealous of them. I guess if you can't feel jealousy, then you really can't feel insecure. There have been times that I feel like I don't fit, most of the time I feel like I don't fit but that's not because I'm insecure. I'm lost between two worlds. Neither of them truly trusts me. Most days I feel like I don't remember what being an angel is really like, but I don't know how to be human either. You and Sam have taken me in and tried to teach me how to pass myself off as human, but it's clear that I'm not. So I don't really know what I am. That probably didn't make much sense."

Dean kept running his fingers across Cas's body, smiling when he saw a trail of goosebumps. "Actually, it makes perfect sense. Look at me, I'm a hunter. Now granted, I'm human and that's not in question, but I don't live a normal human life. I wouldn't know how. I don't have a wife, kids, job, or house. I live in a bunker that we were handed the keys to just because our grandfather, who we never knew, was a member of the Men of Letters and this was their hangout. Sam geeks out over the books, I'm just happy to have a place to call home. But even my home is an underground bunker with a massive library and a torture chamber. Okay, the torture chamber part is kind of cool, but you get what I mean. I kill things that most people don't even know exist. I've been to hell. I've seen things, done things, and been to places that are bad enough even I don't want to talk about them, and I'm Dean Fucking Winchester. The only time I've not invisible to humans is when I'm in trouble with the law or when some chick wants my dick."

They sat in silence. Cas trying to figure out what things he could and couldn't feel, but being too distracted by Dean's hands to get very far. Dean trying to figure out where either of them fit in this world, but being too distracted by the feeling of Cas's skin under his hands to get very far.

\-------------------------

Dean crawled over and covered Cas's body with his before he bent his head and kissed him passionately. They shed their clothes quickly and became lost in rough calloused hands gliding across smooth taut skin. Fingers digging into muscle, massaging and squeezing. Needy mouths biting and sucking. It was a supple haze of slow touches and insatiable sounds. They became drunk in the heady scent of each other's skin, the moans and soft sighs echoed off of the concrete walls and amplified softly. They whispered words of beauty and trust while gently rocking their bodies. Dean shivered every time he moved, feeling their hard cocks trapped between them, the tender skin of Cas's thighs pressed against his hips. Their fingers were intertwined and held against the pillow above Cas's head while their bodies rocked in a matched rhythm and their mouths sought each other out. It was slow and it was lazy, blue eyes stared up at intense green eyes, not ready to change the rhythm. Their lips came together, gently exploring one another. The velvety sweat slicked skin swept across all of the sensitive places, the places that turned the gentle sighs into deep moans and the movements slowly became desperate. With their hands freed, Cas pressed against the dip at the bottom of Dean's back, pushing their bodies closer. It was fluid and it was maddening. Both started to throb and unknowingly sped up the pace. Dean's name was a strangled cry when it passed Cas's lips, and Dean let out a guttural moan before he collapsed and they felt the warmth spreading between their bodies. Dean felt weightless, letting his body sink into Cas's while Cas wrapped him in an embrace. They waited until their breathing was even before Dean rolled onto his back, already missing Cas's body heat. Cas silently got up and found a towel, cleaning them both up before he laid back down next to Dean, in no hurry to get dressed and leave. Dean turned his head, and waited for Cas to do the same. Cas had never seen eyes the same deep shade of green that Dean's were, and Dean was already lost in Cas's. Now that he'd seen the happiness, the need, the lust, the pure satisfaction in them, he couldn't imagine seeing the sadness, defeat, or embarrassment ever again. Those things didn't belong in Cas's eyes anymore. "Stay with me? At least until I'm asleep?" Dean whispered, crawling up the bed and pulling the blanket aside. Cas nodded and curled up against him as he draped the blanket across their naked bodies and pulled Cas closer. Dean kissed the top of the his head and wordlessly settled against his pillows. He fell asleep quickly, but Cas stayed until it was almost morning. Dean whimpered in his sleep when Cas slowly pulled their bodies apart. He leaned down and kissed Dean softly before getting dressed and leaving.

\-------------------------

Dean rolled over in bed, not quite awake yet, but awake enough to know that those were his boxers on the floor. He sighed, thankful that Sam never came in his room, not unless he knocked first. Dean reached out and grabbed the boxers, pulling them on while he was still laying in bed. He was a little sore, he was sticky, and he desperately needed a shower. But he didn't get up, not yet. He laid in bed replaying last night over in his head. It was all so surreal and unexpected, but it felt natural. He finally rolled out of bed, thankful that the sticky mess was in his stomach and not the sheet. He grabbed clothes, wrapped his robe around him and headed for the shower, stopping to look in the mirror. He needed to make sure that Cas hadn't left any marks. He really didn't feel like explaining himself to Sam.

\-------------------------

"I know that the last time we talked you said that you didn't want to talk about my big picture, and I said that I'd respect your wishes. I'm gonna stick to that and respect your wishes, but I am also going to let you know that I've seen some things that don't quite add up." 

Dean sat down at the table and watched Bobby pour the mid grade scotch. "That was one of your better talk arounds. Telling me that you aren't going to bring it up, but bringing it up anyway."

"I try..." Bobby grinned, taking a sip.

"So you tell me what you've seen, or I talk about what I've done. Either way it's an uncomfortable conversation. But since you brought it up, why don't you tell the class what you saw Mr. Singer?"

"I turned my head at the dirty parts, but I know that there were dirty parts. I'm not gonna embarrass you, Dean. You'd be a lot more comfortable talking about the dirty parts. But I heard the things that you said, things that you both said and they weren't always best friend things. I saw you ask him to stay with you until you fell asleep. You fell asleep with your arms around him, and he stayed until morning. You cried out for him when he left. I coulda swore that I said something about needin' somebody to reach for."

"Bobby, it was an intense night. Things happened, things were said, maybe I did reach for him."

"You know, don't you? You just still won't admit it to yourself."

"What are you talking about?" Dean took a long drink and poured himself some more. If there was one person who would call him on his shit, it was Bobby.

"I heard you talking about how you're both misfits. How neither one of you really fits in this world."

"You know," Dean said, raising his voice. "It's a little fucking weird...actually it's a lot fucking weird that my dead adopted father is sitting around listening to private conversations that I have with my friend."

"Too damn bad Dean Winchester. I swore that I would always watch out for you and if it means that I overhear a few heart to hearts between you and your lover, not your best friend, your lover, then you are going to have to deal with it. I want what is best for you, boy and I know that you are starting to see it. This would be a hell of a lot easier if just one of you was having issues. Unfortunately you are both so god damn dysfunctional that you need each other but you refuse to admit it. I don't want details, but I know that you've fooled around, and it's happened a few times. And since when do you ask somebody to stay in your bed? You could have turned sneaking out of women's apartments before dawn into a god damn olympic sport if you'd wanted to. You're attached, Dean. You've admitted that. You just won't admit how attached. You wanted that boy in your bed when you fell asleep, which is exactly what I told you having someone is all about. Cas is an angel, it's not like you have to have the 'are we or aren't we' conversation with him. He's as fucking clueless as you are. The least you could do is tell him how much he means to you."

"What am I supposed to say here, Bobby. You've got me backed into a corner. You said it yourself, I wouldn't know love if it showed up on my doorstep and kicked me in the face. You're right about that. You wanted me happy, I told you that I'm as happy as a hunter can be. Just because I'm in a good mood after I get laid doesn't change that. And don't ask me why I wanted him to stay with me. It was a crazy night. We talked about some serious shit. For a minute, or an hour, or a night we actually understood each other in a way that we never have. I wanted that. I needed that. So did he. That was one night. One fucking night. I'm entitled. He's not here right now. He won't be here tomorrow."

"So if he stops sleeping with ya, if he stops having these deep conversations with ya, if he doesn't stay with you when you ask, then you'll be fine with the whole thing? It'll just go back to the way it was and you won't have a problem with it? If you can tell me yes, honestly yes then I will respect my word and we will spend the rest of the night talking about the apple pie that my beautiful wife made for me today, and how I talked about you the entire time I was eatin' it. I was just wishing that you could sit at this god damn table with me and eat that pie instead of fighting about how you feel about that angel. So tell me, Dean. If it all stops, if you never touch him again and you never talk about your feelings again, will you be fine with it?"

Dean stood up and started pacing, rubbing his forehead as he moved back and forth across the kitchen. Bobby had him backed into a corner and Bobby knew it. "No, I won't be fine with it. But the minute I admit that, the minute I tell him or Sam then I run the risk of losing him and losing everything along with him." Dean could feel the tears, and even though he didn't want to turn back to Bobby, he knew that Bobby would understand.

"Dean, you've lost him. You've lost him a dozen times, but he always comes back. He's an angel, he will always come back. You won't lose him, son, not now. Like I said before, I know that things haven't always been perfect, but at the end of the day, Cas has never left your side. You ask him into your bed, he ain't going to leave there either. I have no idea what it is about the two of you, but it's there and it's real and you started this ball rolling the first time you touched him."

"No, you started the ball rolling by coming to me with all of your bullshit about the big fucking picture." Dean picked up his glass, finished it off and poured another holding it in his hand as he continued to pace.

"I never told you what to do. I told you what I see, you did the rest. You invited him into your bed and asked him to stay with you until you fell asleep. He laid there for hours, Dean. Awake just listening to you breath. You whimpered and reached for him when he got out of your bed. I didn't have a thing to do with that. I haven't seen everything that goes one between the two of you, I honestly don't want to. I did see how Sam noticed the change in you. I did see how you couldn't stop lookin' at him and touchin' him when you were talking. I know how that feels, son."

"Let me...just let me think about all of this. Let me sort it out. Let me figure out what I need to do and say, but in the meantime I want to hear about this pie."

Bobby stopped talking about Cas and started telling stories about how it was to be reunited with Karen. He talked about how grateful she was to Sam and Dean for being there for Bobby at the end. He talked about how someday he would figure out how to get one of her homemade pies through the veil. For the first time, Dean was able to hug Bobby before everything went quiet and black.

\-------------------------

"Cas" Dean whispered. Cas had his face buried between Dean's neck and shoulder and was touching him in all of the places that he wanted to be touched. "Hhhmmmm?" Dean felt it more than heard it coming from his neck. "No really, Cas. I want to ask you something." Cas sat up and looked at Dean, those blue eyes starting to look worried. Dean reached out and held his hands. "No, no baby, it's not a bad thing. At least I don't think it is. I want to feel you as close to me as I can. I need to feel you, Cas. Our sex life is incredible, and I wouldn't change a thing about it. Honestly, the things that you have done to me, the way you touch me, nobody else has ever done that. I'm being honest. But I want to try something, the problem is...it may hurt. Actually, it will hurt and so it's totally up to you.

"Intercourse."

"Um, yeah. I just want to feel myself inside of you. I know that we've talked about your body, and god I love your body, but I know that you can feel pain. I've seen it. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, and I will do everything I can not to. If I do it right, and it's all on me, then it will be like nothing you have ever experienced before. You just have to trust me. I understand if you say no. I really do."

Cas bent down and kissed Dean, "I trust you. I don't doubt that it will hurt, but I know that you are trying to bring me pleasure."

Dean smiled and kissed him, slowly pushing him back against the bed. He settled in between Cas's legs and bent down to kiss him, gently at first and then with more passion. He knew all of the spots on his neck and his shoulder that worked, but he wanted to feel the smooth skin of his chest and stomach against his mouth. He softly kissed his way across his collar bone, stopping to nip and suck at the base of his throat, pulling blood to the surface. In the back of his mind he knew that he was purposely leaving a mark, but he didn't care. Cas's skin was so smooth against Dean's rough calloused hands, full lips, and gentle teeth as he slid his way down his body, stopping to slide his tongue around a nipple and gently pull it between his teeth. His mouth touched every ridge, every dip of muscle that his fingers had already become familiar with. Cas was moaning and writing beneath him when Dean slid the pillows under his hips and picked up the bottle of lube. After dripping onto his fingers, he spread Cas's legs and reached down to rub it around his hole, pressing gently. He leaned down and held their lips together when he slid his finger inside, working it in and out, trying to find Cas's sweet spot. He knew that the second finger would be worse. He put his lips to Cas's ear and whispered things that only Cas needed to know as he slid the second finger in. He felt Cas's entire body tense, and he didn't know if he could go through with it. He started to pull his fingers out and felt a fingertip graze Cas's prostate. He found the sweet spot. He softly rubbed while Cas moaned and visibly shivered, gasping when the third finger was introduced. He stretched Cas out as much as he could, and dripped lube on the head of his cock. He lined up and in one quick motion pulled his fingers out and slid his cock in. He could feel Cas tense, he could feel him arch against the pain. He knew that he couldn't bring himself to look at his face because of what he'd see in those eyes. His only hope was that he could find the right angle, the right rhythm, that he could make Cas happy. He ran his hands up and downs Cas's chest and whispered, "it's okay baby, I won't move unless you've ready, it's okay." Cas reached for him, and he was pulled into a long kiss, surprised when Cas started rocking his hips. Dean slowly slid back and forth, Cas was so eager and so tight he was afraid that he would come too soon. He reached between them and wrapped his hand around Cas, gently stroking while they rocked against each other. Dean shifted and finally heard the the sharp intake of breath and soft groan when he found the spot. Cas was rocking against him harder, he wanted to feel as much of Dean as he could. He trusted Dean, Dean could feel it. He started thrusting and stroking faster, encouraging Cas to come, his cock was already throbbing. He couldn't stop it, he was only able to slide in and out a few more time, his cock hitting Cas's sweet spot as they came together. Dean was completely overwhelmed. He could see a mix of pain and pleasure on Cas's face when he smiled slowly with his eyes closed, Dean still buried deep inside of him. Dean grabbed some tissues to wipe his hand and their stomach's before he pressed his body against Cas's, feeling the tremors, knowing that Cas had come and come hard. "I didn't want to hurt you, baby." he whispered. "It doesn't matter, Dean. It was worth it. I can't even describe how I feel right now." Dean gave Cas a hurried kiss before he laid his head on his shoulder and pressed his face against the mattress. He was emotional and trying to hide it. He didn't want Cas to see because he knew that Cas would feel like he'd done something wrong instead of realizing that he'd done everything right. They laid like that until Dean went limp and decided to try and sneak to the shower without waking Sam up. The shower was slow and steamy. They took their time soaping each other's bodies, rinsing off, stopping every now and then for a quick kiss before the water turned cold and they did their best to dry each other off. Cas took the towel from around his waist and set in on top of Dean's laundry hamper before he leaned down to grab his boxers. Dean reached out and wrapped his hand around Cas's arm. "Stay with me again, please. But don't leave this time. I want to see you when I wake up in the morning. Laying in this bed while I sleep may be boring, so I understand if you want to go, but I'd like you here." Cas dropped his boxers back on the floor and crawled into the bed. "I don't get bored, Dean. I lay here and I can hear you breathe, I can hear you softly snore. I can feel your heart beating against my back and my skin against yours. Nothing about that is boring. I will be here when you wake up." Dean kissed the back of Cas's neck and wrapped his arms around him, "thank you, Cas." Cas reached up to wrap his hands around Dean's arms and waited for Dean to fall asleep.

Dean smiled when he woke up. Cas had kept his word and stayed. He felt Cas roll in his arms and saw him smile through heavy lidded eyes. He pulled them together, chest to chest. He didn't have the energy, or the need, to have sex. He just wanted to know that Cas was there. He started drifted back to sleep when he realized that Sam was probably up and might come knocking at his door. He didn't want that to ruin his morning. He bent forward and kissed Cas, he just wanted to see those blue eyes happy before he got out of bed. Cas kissed him back, his blue eyes shining, locking with Dean's sleepy green eyes. "I'll go and let you do whatever you need to do." Cas whispered and kissed Dean one last time before he crawled out of the bed. Dean watched him get dressed and then he disappeared. Dean finally rolled out of bed himself. He knew that he didn't need a shower, but he needed to keep up appearances so he just stood under the hot water for a few minutes before he got dressed and went in search of coffee and food.

\-------------------------

He poured coffee and ate something quickly before he went looking for Sam. The only thing that was remotely related to human contact he'd had lately was with a grumpy ghost and a sexy angel. He needed to talk to an actual person. He knew that Sam probably wouldn't react well, Sam tended to think of himself as the moral compass, and would probably find some way to let him know that was he was doing was wrong, but he had to say something before he drove himself crazy. He wandered into the main room and found Sam exactly where he'd expected to, sitting in front of his computer, surrounded by books. He sat down across the table and waited. He knew it wouldn't take long. He rarely sat at this table with Sam, he would start asking questions right away. He didn't expect to get almost all of the way through his cup of coffee before Sam shut his computer and looked across the table at him.

"Must be some heavy duty research. You've ignored me for like 10 minutes when normally you'd be up my ass about why I'm sitting here watching you do that boring shit."

"I am busy. I have a whole book of ancient texts that I'm trying to get through and I'm stuck. It sucks to be the expert because you don't exactly have somebody to go to." Sam sighed with frustration.

"Why don't you hit up the colleges and shit?"

"Dean, I have a better library here than any college out there. It's just time consuming."

"And you love every minute of it. I'm proud of you, Sammy. I really am. I hated that you didn't finish school, but now you have this."

"What is up with you, Dean? We both know that you are an asshole by nature, but not lately. I don't think you've ever really asked me about my work. You look tired all of the time which scares the shit out of me. If you're having the nightmares again, you need to tell me. Something is 'off' and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." He knew that his brother wouldn't talk, but he had to try. He watched Dean walk away, but was surprised when he came back from the kitchen with a full cup of coffee and sat down.

"You know what, Sammy, I'm going to tell you, but only because I feel like I'm losing my fucking mind. I know that you'll probably get all judgmental on me, and that's fine. I'm expecting it. This is a two part deal. Which do you want to hear first? The dreams? Or the reality? You decide. Don't worry, if you end up at all interested I will tell you both."

Sam was nervous, the dreams had always been nightmares about the time that Dean spent in hell. He hated the idea that those had come back, but he needed to know. "I guess we'll start with the dreams. You haven't been having..."

"No Sam, no nightmares. Actually, it's almost stranger than nightmares. Somehow Bobby was able to find a loophole and has been coming to me in my sleep for over a month now. At first I thought I was losing it until Cas confirmed that it was possible, and Bobby brought up some things that we'd never talked about. So, there's no doubt about it, it's Bobby."

Sam felt the same twinge of jealousy that he'd always felt when it came to Bobby. Sam had loved that old man like a father, but he knew that Bobby favored Dean. He knew why, he understood that Bobby worried more about Dean, but it still stung a little. "Okay, so Bobby has been coming to you in your dreams. If anyone could find their way through the veil, it would be him. I'm guessing this is why you are so tired."

"Well," Dean hesitated. "Yes and no. But back to Bobby. He started off by telling me that he was with Karen, that she was waiting for him when he got upstairs, which is great. He told me that he's been watching over us but it took him this long to figure out how to communicate so he had to do it in my dreams."

"Which is why you stopped drinking before bed..."

"Exactly. He basically came to tell me that you have lived up to his expectations and taken over for him and he's really proud of you, Sam. I see it when he talks about you. I, however, somehow dropped the ball when it comes to the big picture."

"What in the hell does that even mean?"

"Oh, he's become a master of cryptic messages." Dean smiled, taking a sip of coffee. "Apparently when you are reunited with your wife, the only woman you have ever loved, and you look at this big picture you turn into some kind of philosophical romantic and magically discover that everybody has that someone special. That we all have 'the one'. Well, it looks like all he wanted for me was to be happy, and he thinks that I'm not, he felt like it was in my best interest if he told me how to be happy. Actually he said that technically he can't do anything about it because it's destiny, but I need to take my blinders off and see it for myself. Well, I fell for it and I threw out a name..."

"Cas...."

"Yep, that would be the name. I know that you all have been convinced for years that he has some type of angel crush or whatever, and now Bobby has jumped on board. According to him, I'm so broken that Cas is probably the only humanish type person who could put up with me because he doesn't try to fix me, he's okay with the way that I am. Keep in mind, these conversations have been going on for awhile. Every single one is about my happiness and he always ties Cas into it. I've tried to explain to him that he was happy, dad was happy, you were happy, and look what it got you? This life fucks things up. We lose people. You can't be the definition of happy when you live like we do. So why would I want to do that. He has also told me that I don't understand human emotions and I wouldn't know love if it showed up on my doorstep and kicked me in the face."

Sam tried not to smile, if it was worded like that it had to be Bobby. "I'm sorry, Dean, but I have to agree with him on that one."

"The human emotions part? Or the love part?"

"Uh, both."

"Thanks Sam, I appreciate your support. Okay now, I get that he only wants what's best for me. He gets to be with Karen again so he's convinced that everybody needs love and everyone has their one and only. That's why dad was the way he was. That's why you started hunting again. But I am some type of freak who just hunts because he hunts and not because he's driven by some need for revenge. I've tried to explain to him that I don't need that shit to be happy. I'm as happy as a hunter is ever going to be and I don't need the emotional baggage. Bobby told me that there is no feeling like waking up next to somebody, or reaching out in the dark, knowing that somebody is there next to you. I've never had that and for some reason he thinks I've been cheating myself out of something. I need a coffee refill, do you want some?"

"It sounds like I'm going to need it, you might as well get a fresh pot brewing." Sam honestly didn't know what to think.

Dean thought it made sense to just bring the coffee maker out and set it on the side counter. He knew that this might turn into a long conversation.

"So are you really? I mean are you really happy?"

"Sam, I'll tell you what I told Bobby. I'm happy when I live to see another day, eat another burger, maybe even make it through an entire football season. I can get drunk and be happy, I can get a blow job and be happy. What else do I need? I was destined to live this way, and I've accepted it. I'm okay with it. I have no interest in going out to find anything to complicate it. I know that Cas and I have a connection, we always have. There have been times when shit has gone bad, you know, you've seen it. But he has always come back. I know that he always will, and he knows that I'll either let him or I'll go find him. That's how things work. I get that he puts up with a lot of shit, and I have put my ass on the line for him. That's what friends do, and he's probably the only real friend that I've ever had. Cas is caught between two worlds that don't understand him and he is just as broken as I am."

"Well, that should tell you something."

Dean took a sip of coffee and leaned back in his chair, "And that's exactly what Bobby said. I don't get why it is so important for him to play matchmaker when things are fine between Cas and I. Cas doesn't know the first thing about love, and I'm not interested in learning."

"And you've told Bobby all of this?" Sam asked from where he was standing, pouring himself a cup of coffee. If these were the dreams, he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear the reality.

"I've told Bobby this repeatedly. He doesn't come to me every night, maybe once a week, but the conversations are long enough that he knows where I stand, I know where he stands and we are at a standstill, kind of."

"Kind of?"

Dean took a deep breath, this is where the high and mighty moral compass was going to come into play, "I need someone to talk to, and I will tell you, but I can't do it if you sit back on your Sam Winchester high horse and judge me. Keep in mind, things have been said, things have happened, but you weren't there so please, just listen. That's all I need is for you to listen." Sam nodded, and after a heavy silence, Dean continued. "Do you remember the day that Cas showed up because I needed to talk to him? I figure that you do because you actually pulled your nose out of a book long enough to give me that look. I needed to ask him if a soul really could come to a human in their dreams. I needed to know that it really was Bobby and not me losing my fucking mind. Well, they can and Bobby has. I don't know why, but I asked him if he sees anyone when he's up there. He said they won't let him, that it's a conflict of interest, and that's pretty much what I expected." Dean took a sip of coffee and another deep breath. "He told me that she's up there, Sam. He's never seen her, they won't let him, but he knows that she's there..." he said quietly, looking at the bookshelf behind Sam, willing himself not to cry.

"Mom?" Sam finally asked.

Dean wiped away the few tears that had started to slide down his cheeks, "Yeah. Between hearing that, and seeing Bobby, it was just too much, you know?"

Sam just nodded and looked down at the table. "I'm sorry, Dean."

"No, Sam. I needed to know. We needed to know. That's where she is supposed to be. It doesn't make it any easier, but it's a question that I don't have to ask myself anymore." Dean wiped his face again and looked at his brother. Sam wouldn't look up at him. "A couple of days later, I got restless, I went for a drive." Dean continued, he needed to just keep talking to get through this. "When I got home, you were already in bed. I poured myself a drink and sat down. Between hearing that and the things that Bobby had been saying, I just wanted to clear my mind. Cas showed up. He came to apologize for telling me about her, for hurting me. I told him that he didn't need to, and I just started rambling. I don't even know what I said. I finally stopped because I realized that I probably wasn't making any sense. He told me that he didn't want me to stop, that sometimes he is happiest just listening to me, just knowing that I trust him enough to tell him things that I can't tell anyone else. So I asked him how human he was. If he can feel happiness, then he can feel sadness. We've both seen embarrassment and anger. I really wanted to know. He's stuck, he's not angelic enough to fit in upstairs anymore, but he's not human and doesn't fit in here. The only time he feels comfortable is when he is here, with us. Now I don't know why I did it, I can't explain it, I just needed to know..."

"You kissed him."

Dean took another sip from the mug and looked down at the table. "Yeah, I did. I just...I don't know...after hearing him say those things I just needed to feel the part of him that is human. That he does feel things. But that's all I did. I kissed him and then I went to bed. It didn't feel wrong, it wasn't weird, but I didn't have this huge life changing epiphany either. It just happened, and life went on."

"Until? I know you Dean. I'm not being judgmental at all. I'm not. But this story isn't over, is it?"

"No. He showed up the night of the werewolf hunt. I'll admit, I decided to test the waters again, but I was ready to back off. He was 100% interested and 100% human."

"Well that explains the good mood the next day."

"He showed up again after we got home from the hunts. He wanted to make sure that things were okay with us. That I wasn't upset with him. He actually called me out and told me that I've always made him feel like I'm laughing at him and not with him. It felt like a punch in the gut, Sam. For all of these years, that look of embarrassment in his eyes, all of those times he just stared at the floor was because of me. I apologized, I wanted to see him happy. He stayed with me that night. We talked about how we are both misfits, how neither one of us really fits anywhere. We talked about what emotions he can and can't feel. We talked about a lot of things. And we did things other than talk. I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep, and he did. He was here last night and I asked him to stay with me, to stay all night so that I could see him when I woke up, and he did. He left right before I got in the shower."

The brothers sat in silence, each with their hands wrapped around a warm mug, lost in their thoughts.

"So go ahead, Sam. Let me have it. Tell me what I've done wrong in all of this." Dean finally said quietly.

Sam turned and looked at his brother, "I don't have anything to say. You're obviously confused as hell right now, but you haven't done anything wrong."

"I almost wanted you to tell me that I have. At this point, he and Bobby have said almost all of the right things. Bobby told me that I don't have to be afraid of losing Cas, Cas is an angel and he isn't going anywhere. Cas told me that the only time he feels like he fits anywhere is when he's here with us. I know that I make him feel human, that over the last couple of weeks I've made him feel something."

"What about you?" Sam asked gently.

"I feel something too. I never expected to, I never wanted to, but I do. I don't know what to do with it. This isn't a normal situation. Bobby even said that I'm not typical and it would take a hell of a strong person to put up with how broken I am. I've never wanted anybody to put up with how broken I am. I've just wanted to hunt and drink and eat greasy food that's bad for me and get laid until I die young and bloody. That's was my plan, that's what I expected. Hell, it's what I wanted. I didn't want any bullshit complications like jealousy, arguments, insecurity. I've seen it. It's messy and it's exhausting and I'll admit that I'm too goddamn selfish to give myself to somebody in that way."

"It sounds like you already have."

"I don't know, Sam. Cas knows me well enough to stay away for a couple of days. Bobby knows me well enough to show up tonight and bust my balls. And why in the hell aren't you giving me a hard time?"

"Hey, Bobby is seeing this big picture from above, Cas doesn't understand what in the hell a big picture is, and I'm on the outside looking in. I don't think that any of us are seeing anything wrong here other than you need to finally believe that you deserve this."

"Maybe you're right, Sam." Dean said quietly after along silence.

\-------------------------

"Not high end, but a step up from mid grade. Are we celebratin'?" Bobby asked. 

Dean sat down across from him and opened the bottle. "You tell me, you're the one who sees everything. There's really nothing I can say that you don't already know."

"I know what I've seen. I know what I think is going on, but I don't know how you feel about it. I saw you talk to Sam, so I know that you must be confused."

"I almost wanted Sam to slap some sense into me and tell me how I was fucking up. He wasn't a whole lot of help in that department. This double team bullshit that you guys are doing really isn't fair."

"Especially since I haven't talked to Sam since before I died. I just finally saw what Sam had seen for years."

Dean picked up his glass and sipped at the scotch, it really was an improvement over the normal rot gut. "So, we'll just sum this up. I'm going to assume that you looked way during the x-rated parts, but you probably heard a lot. I'm sure that you know that I asked him to stay with me again, and not just until I fell asleep. You obviously listened to my conversation with Sam. So are you here to gloat? Give me a big 'I told you so'?"

"Well, your summary is right, I did hear all of those things, but I'm not here to gloat. This ain't a game, Dean. I know that I've been pushing your buttons, but you are a pain in the ass and the only way to get you to do anything. All I wanted was for you to think about it, to consider it. You did and now you know. Problem with you is that knowin' ain't the same as admittin'. You and Cas are so goddamn clueless, but you need to find a way to talk about it. You need to make him understand, and you need to ask questions until you understand."

"You're right." Dean said, surprising Bobby. "I'm not going to try to argue it anymore. It's always been there, that's why it's felt so natural. We just need to figure out what in the hell it means. We're both fucked up and we may end up with two completely different answers, but as much as I do not want to do it, it's a conversation that we need to have. Now you can tell me that I'm a pain in the ass, but you are just as bad as I am, and just as stubborn. I've always thought that I was just like John, now I see that you must have rubbed off on me those last few years. Now, you need to visit Sam, and not because I told you to. You may favor me, but he has always needed you as much as I have. He'll probably have some type of healthy smoothie ready and the two of you can gloat all you want. But he deserves that, Bobby. You mean just as much him as you do to me. All I ask is that you don't tell him about Jess. I don't think he can hear it right now. I just told him that Cas knows that our mother is there, and that was hard enough. Now you figure out how you are going to make your way into that overfilled and cramped mind of my brother's while I figure out what in the hell I am going to say to a horny and clueless angel. You keep working on getting that pie through the veil and tell Karen that we didn't take care of you those last years, you took care of us."

With that, Dean stood up and gave Bobby a bear hug. "Come back any time, unless I'm busy." he grinned. "I'll order the good stuff next time." Bobby just smiled at him before everything went quiet and dark. 

\-------------------------

Dean was actually awake before Sam. He was sitting at the table with his feet propped up, reading the newspaper when Sam walked in yawning. He didn't even say anything about Dean's feet. "Good morning sunshine," Dean grinned.

"Yeah...you're right. It isn't funny." Sam yawned, pouring coffee from the maker that they had left on the side counter. Turns out it was actually more convenient to keep it there. "I saw him, Dean."

It had been a few days since Dean had talked to Bobby, and he wondered if he would be able to get into Sam's head. "Bobby?"

"Yeah. At first I just heard his voice and then we were sitting at his table drinking coffee. He told me how proud he is of me, he said that I'm better at research than he ever was. We talked a lot about Karen. I guess she wants to meet us and has been begging him to show her how to get through the veil. He apologized for waiting so long to come see me, he said he needed to the the situation with you and Cas figured out."

Dean chuckled, "Did you guys gloat?"

"A little." Sam smiled as he sat down. "He just wants us happy, Dean."

"I know he does. And I want one of those damn pies that he's always talking about."

Sam laughed, "I knew you would. How about I get showered and dressed and we go find the greasiest diner that we can. It's been awhile."

Dean grinned at his brother, he could feel Bobby back in their lives. "I'll be here waiting."

"And you'll get your damn feet off of the table." Sam called as he walked away. Dean had to laugh when he swiveled in the chair and put his feet on the floor. He knew he still had to talk to Cas, but he felt good. Better than he had in a long time, possibly better than he ever had.

\-------------------------

"I asked him if he saw anybody. He said that they don't mingle much but he's seen a few old friends. Ellen, Jo, Kevin, Charlie, and they're all doing okay. They've asked about us and he just tells them that we're the same pains in the ass that we've always been." Sam grinned, wrapping his large hands around a burger. Dean was happy to hear that they hadn't talked about Jess.

"So what made you decide that you wanted a greasy diner burger? Not that I'm complaining."

"Well, you only live once. Okay maybe we don't, but you get the idea. Bobby was honest with me. You and I, we don't know where we're going to end up. We've pissed off both sides, so I might as well enjoy a greasy burger now and then. Have you talked to Cas yet?"

"Nope, I haven't seen him."

"Do you know what you are going to say?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

Sam smiled at his brother, "but you'll have sex with him first..."

"You're damn right I will." Dean smiled back. 

They finished lunch, went and saw a bad movie, and then stopped at a dive bar for a beer. "I kinda feel like we're on a date." Dean joked. It was the first time in a long time that they'd been out of the bunker together doing something other than hunting.

"My dates usually have better table manners." Sam laughed.

"Mine usually have bigger boobs."

Sam just looked at Dean with a sly smile, "Not anymore..."

Dean threw a balled up napkin at his brother and said, "You about ready? I'm actually getting tired and it's not even midnight."

"Yeah, I'm ready. So should we place bets on who's going to show up in your room? Grumpy old man or angel?"

"I'm pretty sure that they'll both leave me alone tonight."

They got in the car and headed home. Said their goodnight's in the hallway and went into their separate rooms. Dean let his jeans fall to the floor and crawled into bed exhausted. 

\-------------------------

Dean was wrong. He felt Cas and lifted the covers so that he could slide into bed next to him. "Hey," he whispered, kissing Cas on the forehead. "I didn't expect company."

"I can go...."

"No, no I want you to stay. Just because I didn't expect it doesn't mean that I don't want it. You're always welcome to crawl into my bed." Dean reached out to pull Cas to him, "I see that we're wearing the same outfit. The t-shirts and boxers have got to go. This is a nude only bed." he smiled, struggling to pull Cas's t-shirt over his head while Cas made quick work of his clothes. "Mmmmm much better" Dean whispered when they were skin to skin. It was dark enough that every touch, every kiss was almost a surprise. Neither knew what to expect from the other. Dean laid perfectly still and smiled when he felt Cas's hot mouth move down his body, sucking and biting. He tensed at the unexpected feel of Cas's tongue swirling around the head of his cock and settled back, waiting to feel Cas's mouth around him. He moaned when Cas took him in his mouth and slowly slid his head up and down a few times before stopping and sliding his way back up the length of Dean's body, pausing to gently bite a nipple. "Tease..." Dean mumbled. he really didn't care As much as he loved getting a good blow job, he'd rather have more time to feel Cas against him. He was sleepy and lazy, Cas was all over him, his hands and mouth touching all of the places he knew that Dean loved. "Sit up," Cas finally whispered in his ear. It took Dean a minute to realize what Cas wanted from him. "You want me to...." Dean stammered. He wasn't expecting this. He reached for the lube in the dark and sat up, pushing the pillows between his back and the headboard. He had to shield his eyes when Cas reached over and turned on the lamp. "My god you are horny, and curious, and sexy, and have completely ruined me. I don't think I could get it up for anyone else." Dean smiled, as he watched Cas straddle him. He reached to grab his ass and pull him closer. Cas leaned in for a deep kiss, already rocking his body against Dean's. "Are you sure that you're ready to do this again, I know that it hurt..." Cas cut him off with another kiss and reached between them, wrapping his hands around both of their cocks. "I'm sure." He started gently stroking, watching Dean's eyes and smiling. Without a word he took the bottle out of Dean's hand and dripped lube onto his own fingers. He spread his legs, leaned back, and slid a finger inside of himself, working it in and out. Dean felt his cock twitch. Cas moaned when he slid the second finger in and handed the bottle to Dean with his free hand. "Yours...yours too" he whispered, leaning back further, giving Dean a better view. Dean reached down and slid a finger against Cas's, searching for the sweet spot. The look on Cas's face when he touched it was enough to make him come. That slow smile and the way his eyes rolled back. "I need to be inside of you..." he said quietly, sliding his finger out, taking Cas's with him. Cas got up on his knees and wrapped his hand around Dean's cock, pressing it against him before he slowly slid down until Dean was completely buried inside of him. Dean held his hand against Cas's lower back, keeping him still while he reached up and with his other hand, pulled Cas to him in a heated kiss. "This is not fair, baby." Dean whispered against Cas's mouth, reaching between them to trail his fingers down Cas's hard cock. "I could come right now..." Cas leaned his head back and gave him that slow smile before he started slowly sliding up and down, knowing how to position his body. Dean couldn't stop staring, Cas was perfect, everything about him was perfect. He started to stroke and Cas started sliding faster, tilting his hips and grinding when their bodies met. He visibly shuddered every time Dean's cock grazed his sweet spot. "Faster..." he whispered, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth. He threw his head back and called Dean's name. Dean barely felt the warm sticky fluid on his hand and stomach, he just knew that he was going to come and he was going to come hard. He grasped Cas's hips and thrust when Cas slid down, exploding inside of Cas as their bodies came together. He held Cas's hips tightly, knowing that he was probably leaving marks but was unable to move. He had never felt anything like this, the pleasure was still rolling over him in waves. He could feel his own tremors matching Cas's. He was finally able to let go and he wrapped his arms around Cas, pulling him to his chest. "Wow...that was...I've never...it..." he stammered against the top of Cas's head. His body still hadn't calmed down. Even though he'd come, he was hard and still buried inside of Cas. "I don't want to move, Dean. I want to stay like this forever." Cas whispered. "Me too, baby. Me too." Cas lifted his head and Dean pulled him into a slow and gentle kiss. He knew that Cas was sore, he knew that he'd left bruises on Cas's thighs and hips, but he knew that's what Cas had wanted. Right now he just wanted Cas close to him, he wanted Cas to know how he felt, but he had no idea how to tell him.

They finally cleaned up and shifted, Dean laying down with Cas's head on his chest. Cas was lazily running his fingers up and down Dean's chest and stomach, listening to his heartbeat. He knew that Dean wanted him to stay, and he knew that's where he would be until morning came and he saw those green eyes. He was expecting Dean to reach over, turn off the lamp, and kiss him on top of the head. he wasn't expecting Dean to talk. "Cas, look at me." Cas tilted his head and rested it against Dean's shoulder. They locked eyes until Dean bent down and gently kissed him. "I know that you've probably figured out that it was Bobby who came to me through the veil..." Cas just nodded. "He wasn't coming to me just to say hello or to check in. He came to tell me that when he got upstairs, his wife was waiting for him and made him realized that we all have that one person who can make us truly happy. I never wanted that. It always seemed too messy and inconvenient. Jealousy, arguments, tears...I couldn't do it. I thought that just surviving for another day, food, alcohol, meaningless hookups, those were the things that I needed. I'm not like him, or Sam, or my father. I watched what they went through when they lost what they loved most, so why would I want to put myself through that, you know? Then he told me that what I needed was right in front of me, but I was too stubborn and too scared to open my eyes. He said that I'm broken, that I don't always understand human emotions, and I wouldn't know love if it showed up on my doorstep and kicked me in the face. It's all true, I know it. There's not a chance that there is a person out there with enough patience to accept all of that, to take that on. I would have to find somebody who knows that I'm broken, but doesn't care. I kept fighting him, I argued with that old man in my dreams so many times. I just kept asking him why, why would I want that? He kept insisting that I was refusing to see what was right there, what had been right in front of me for years. I knew what he was talking about..."

"Me..." Cas whispered.

Dean bent down and kissed him gently on the forehead. "He told me that we are both clueless when it comes to emotions and love, and he's right. I know you'll never leave me, and I think that you know I won't let you go. But, you're an angel. You're stuck between two worlds, but you're still and angel. That's why I kissed you that night. I needed to know not just what emotions you felt, but how you felt. How would it feel to touch you or hold you. You feel human under my hands and against my mouth. But that's not all of it. You smile at me when I ramble, which means that you're probably smiling at me right now. You know that I can tell you things that I can't tell anyone else. You have seen me at my worst. And you don't care if I'm broken..."

"What is it that they say?" Cas asked quietly. "Perfectly imperfect? I don't see you as broken or damaged or all of the other words I've heard over the years. I see that you feel things too deeply and you try to hide it. You blame yourself for things that you had no control over. You protect everybody but yourself. Bobby is right, I don't always understand human emotions. I don't know if I ever want to. I know when I'm happy, I know when I'm angry, I know when I'm embarrassed, I know when I'm hurt. But there are a lot of times that I can't explain how I feel. When you are sleeping and your face is peaceful, it makes me feel something. When you laugh or smile in a moment when you are truly happy, it makes me feel something. When you touch me and whisper things to me, it makes me feel a lot of things."

"I know it does. It makes me feel a lot of things that I've never felt before either. Bobby said that having someone, loving someone, is knowing that you will wake up in the morning and they will be there. That when you reach out in the dark, you will find them. That didn't make sense to me when he first told me that. And then he told me that I cried out for you when you got out of my bed..."

"You did. I almost climbed back in but I didn't know what you wanted so I left. And then you asked me to stay with you until you woke up."

"Oh god...why is it so hard to say these things? That morning, when I could feel you, when you rolled in my arms and smiled at me I knew that every single thing that Bobby had said was true, I knew why I needed you to stay with me. Why I need you to stay with me. I don't understand love, Cas. What I do understand is that I cannot imagine touching anyone else, and the thought of anyone else touching you makes me crazy. I know that I have said and done things that have hurt you, I have seen that hurt in your eyes, but I won't ever see it again, I can't. Cas, the things that I feel for you are more than I have ever felt for anyone, even before we started having sex. I would be nothing if you weren't a part of my life. I've always known that I need you. Not just to back me up in a fight or to laugh at my stupid jokes. Like you said, I'm perfectly imperfect to you and you don't expect me to be anything else."

"I can't let you be anything other than who you are. I was always taught to love humanity, and I have, but it was from a distance. I was to love humanity as a whole. I never roamed the earth, I never knew what humanity really was, I just knew that it was beautiful. After I raised you from hell I was supposed to return to heaven. I couldn't. I can't. You are my humanity, Dean. Everything that I see in you is what I was taught to love. Your beauty, your kindness, your strength, your passion. I'm lucky, because I can watch you and listen to you. Now I can feel you and taste you. All of the love that I had for humanity for all of those years has now become love for one human, who in my eyes isn't broken or damaged, but also not perfect."

Dean's voice was thick, he was trying to hold back his emotions. He understood it all now. "So, if you let me reach for you in my sleep then I'll let you remind me that I'm not broken, but I'm also not perfect?"

Cas moved closer to Dean, he was feeling something too, something that he couldn't explain. "I'm not sad, but I feel like I want to cry and it doesn't make sense." he said quietly.

"It's emotions, Cas. I feel the same thing. I think that we've both described love in the only way that we know how. We are misfits that somehow fit together."


End file.
